How to Activate Your Agency: Don’t be a ‘Finna Friend’
There is a talk I do often. I give this talk with students, elderly folks, and everyone in between. In that talk, I coined a term, “Finna Friends”. This term was born out of dealing with friends and family members throughout my life.
First, let’s define the term: Finna Friend
A ‘finna friend’ is that friend who every time you see them, they are ‘finna’ do something except it never happens. Not only does it never happen, the finna friend never accepts responsibility for it not happening. Nope, it’s always someone else’s fault.
Here is an example:
Them: I’m finna start this catering business. It’s gon’ blow!
You: That’s what’s up! Let me know when I can buy something. I got you.
[Time Passes]
You: Yo, how’s the catering business going?
Them: Man, people be hating. My granny wouldn’t let me hold nothing.
Once I know everyone understands the concept — I normally know because there’s a lot of head nodding and laughter — I ask the group if they have any finna friends in their life.
Huge Reactions!
Every time. There are always laughs, an outpouring of examples, and a lot of animated banter. Everyone has experienced this person regardless of age, race, and financial standing. I swear I’ve given this exercise everywhere from churches to elementary schools, to mixed crowds with millionaires in attendance. Every group had stories.
Then, I ask the next question, “Have you ever been the finna friend to others?” There’s always some scattered chuckles until a few brave souls admit it. After which, anywhere between 50–75% of the crowd would also admit it. We’d converse about it briefly before moving on to the final part of the exercise.
Finally, I’d ask, “How many times have you been a finna friend to yourself?” This time, there is no outpouring of animated banter. There’s no smattering of shy laughter. The room becomes quite self-reflective. There’s a precious kind of silence as if everyone is silently making apologetic declarations to themselves.
And there it is. We can chuckle and have grace for friends when they are the ‘finna friends’ to us. We can even have a cheeky moment of embarrassment and contrition when we are the culprits with our friends.
However, when it is you to you, it’s different. It hits a different nerve. My urging to all reading or hearing this is, “Don’t be a finna friend to yourself!” You deserve better. Your dreams deserve better. Roughly 80–90% of success is showing up.
It’s trying. It’s struggling. It’s failure. You need it. It’s part of the process.
I’m not promising you success. You may very well fail. It is part of life and present — very present in the lives of any truly successful person.
No, what I am telling you is if you remain a finna friend to yourself, you’ll be miserable. Control what you can control. Try. There’s no shame in failing but there is glory in finally getting over the hump and treating both yourself and your goals with the respect they deserve.
Dr. Charles Cole, III is an educator focused on the advancement of youth, but more specifically Black males. As founder of Energy Convertors, Charles comes from the community and has shared many of the students’ experiences. In addition to founding Energy Convertors, Charles is a national speaker and a writer, and he can be found in Oakland and around the country working with youth on how to equip themselves appropriately to lay the groundwork for a bright future.
He is the author of Beyond Grit & Resilience and you can find both the paperback and audio versions here.
